I've been looking through my old photobucket account lately, recovering old pics that I lost when Derp1 fried out on me. Losing these pictures was the most difficult part about my laptop burning out--they're each a piece of my past that help me to never forget. Due to events of my past, I have difficulty retaining long-term memories. There are times when I'm shaken that I can't remember my father's voice, or recall a certain memory that I once cherished. This is why I take so many pictures/videos now. I can look through my albums and almost re-live each memory. For instance, my brother and I discovered a video my father took of us on Christmas day (2005) and hearing his voice for the first time in 8 years...was indescribable. A video barely over 60 seconds suddenly became the most important treasure in my life, and I can't tell you how many times I've listened to it since.
Now, I don't mean to make this sound depressing at all. I'm happy to be recovering these pieces of my past and I look forward to capturing more memories in the future. :)
Here's one of the pics I uncovered from last Christmas (2013). I promised my brother I wouldn't put this on facebook...Never said anything about LJ!
Anyone who knows me has heard the stories, I’m sure. Our verbal battles have left their scars on us both, and I’m not the only one in this family who felt the lash of her spite. It was a war that had begun long before we were born; a war that we--as most soldiers are--were thrown into without knowing what cause we truly fought for. There were aspects of this woman we called ‘mom’ that we couldn’t fathom as children, and sometimes struggle still to understand to this day. As I grew, I came to understand that my mother is sick. Deep down, beneath the layers of whatever ills my mother, lays dormant a good person with a good heart. I realized we could have a relationship, but only if separated. So, for the last decade of my life, I have moved from place to place. We would visit each other, meet for coffee, and for once I could see the seedling of what could be a possible mother-daughter relationship growing between us. Naturally, nothing is ever perfect and we would have our spats still, but it was simple to just leave the situation and discuss it later—before words were spoken that we’d both later regret.
Last November, my mother had two incidents while out alone in the city. We believed them to be mini-strokes at the time, and encouraged her to talk to the family doctor about them. As far as we knew, she had. Still, worried about her health and that she wasn’t taking care of herself, my brother and I decided to move back home in December. There are going to be days that I question my sanity for being here. Hell, I’ve already been there. I was reminded today why I moved back, and why it's important we stick around, though.
Soon after I woke up, I received a phone-call from a friend. He had seen my mother collapse at the mall, and was being taken by paramedics to the local hospital. If you're wondering why we weren't there, my mother is a very stubborn woman and left while my brother and I were still asleep. To sum this all up quickly, she had a seizure. They performed a CT scan on her, which showed nothing. Bloodwork, liver, white blood cell count; everything was fine. I spoke with the doctor, and he was bewildered at what could be causing the seizures.
Before now, my mother has hidden the state of her health from us. I won’t go into detail, but she has been sick for a very long time (seizures are unrelated to this, however) and has refused treatment of any kind since my dad passed in 2006. This is about to change. I have a few colorful words to describe her family doctor--mainly for his lack of action and tendency to throw drugs at patients like a drunk might throw bills at a stripper—but I’m about to give him a chance to redeem himself. I know I’m leaving out a large quantity of information that would be necessary to fully understand the situation, but I’m not ready to delve that deep into it just yet, so I'm sorry for any confusion.
She’s home now, in any case. We’ve made her comfortable upstairs—setup her new Smart TV in the bedroom, with extra blankets and the space-heater roaring. I can hear her watching Walking Dead now (that’s my mom!), yelling at somebody on the screen 'not to go in there'. I think she’ll be okay for tonight. :)
For now, I just needed to get some of this off my chest. Feeling more relaxed now, so going to settle in with a hot chocolate coffee and NANA.
Maybe it's the Christmas season that makes one reflect on their past, but never before have I been able to take an actual glimpse into it through my own written words.
I owe many of you an apology. As I moved from page to page I became more estranged from this person who could write crude and sometimes hurtful things. It's too early for me to speculate now, but one thing I'm certain of is that it has been an eye-opener. I've removed most of the one's I've considered crude or too private, and hope they're just as easily removed from your memories.
Aside from this post, I strive to keep a positive attitude. I'm ashamed of some of the things I've said in the past and hope never to return to that state of mind. I still have a long path ahead of me, but I can see now that I have made progress from where I once stood.
My family, my friends...and that includes all of you; you all mean more to me than I may have portrayed. I hope these past few years have been kind to you all, and I look forward to seeing who else uses their LJ still.
Now enough with these dramatics--have a great holiday season, and...